Middle-School Fad Hits Fantasy Locker Room

It is all too often said that America's athletes are role models for America's youth, but in one special case in New Orleans, Louisiana, America's youth have been copied by some of America's athletes. A past time across the country's school yards that has been around for years has recently swept through the locker room of one of the Backstop Boys New Orleans affiliates. The past time I am referring to is a practice that many national media publications are calling "The Choking Game" and the locker room I am referring to is that of the aptly named Re-Tods. In this "game" a person either chokes himself or has a friend choke him until he loses consciousness. The person being choked then wakes up in a breif state of euphoria that some compare to being high. It is a free high that will never test positive in baseball's expansive drug testing. It is this fact that makes it almost inevitable to catch on across the league.
Only 2 weeks into the season, the Re-Tods were essentially the walking wounded with numerous tennants on the Disabled List. The Re-Tods General Manager doubted that he could have this many baseball related injuries this early in the season and soon began an internal investigation. There was one person in his locker room he knew he could count on to tattle if there was any foul play amongst the athletes. It took only an offer of +5 mana and a character attack bonus of +3 and Hunter Pence ratted out all the guilty parties. "I saw Mr. Rollins place his hands around Ian's neck untill he went night night, I told them it was wrong, but they didn't stop," said the "Avatar" fan as he was applying blue face paint in a mirror. "Ian fell down and his foot twisted under him, I knew it was a big owie, but he didn't cry." "Shut-up you little bitch!" said veteran Cliff Lee as he overheard Pence giving this interview. Pence stated that Lee was the ring leader of "The Chokers", the name the group addicted to asphyxiation has given themselves. Pence later told me that Lee himself was a victim of a pass out when he fell down awkwardly and strained his abdomen. As of now the only two confirmed choke related injuries are Lee and Kinsler, but suspected "Chokers" also on the DL include: the aforementioned Jimmy Rollins and Astro veteran Lance Berkman, bringing the alarming total to 4. One can only suspect that this epidemic is much more widely spread, not only in this particular locker room, but throughout the entire BBFBL. "How do you test for something like this?" said another BBFBL GM that requested he remain anonymous. It has been reported by numerous media outlets that some people even masturbate while being choked to heighten the experience of ejaculating. When I asked Pence if he had any information on this subject, he giggled for minutes before he was able to reply. "I'm only into one of those things, teehee, but I'm not telling which." "Oh shit yeah, choking while choking is badass!" said Re-Tod'er Magglio Ordonez as he placed astonishing amounts of jheri curl juice in his locker, way more than one could ever imagine he could use on just his hair in one season.
Is this a case of art imitating life or life imitating art? Whatever the case, why can't America's youth just go back to shooting up with HGH. Atleast that produced a superior product on the field. Either that or have cameras placed in locker rooms because people passing out is funny shit.

Texas Catcher has Giant Honor Bestowed

In what would turn out to be a bitter sweet day, Texas Rangers catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia received a bit of good news following the bad bit he received upon hearing that he made it to the disabled list. "I was sitting on the trainer's table when my cell phone rang, it was my agent" said the beat up backstop. "To have an award named after me at such a young age is quite the honor." The award the journeyman catcher is referring to is the "Salty", an award given out in the Backstop Boys Fantasy Baseball League. In what turned out to be a draft day memory that shall live forever in infamy, Saltalamacchia was drafted by Nacho Daddy in the first 5 rounds, all despite the fact that he was the signal caller for the Rangers AAA affiliate. "I'm pretty pumped, I heard some retard (beefeater 2.0) drafted Eric Byrnes in the 3rd that year and he tore both of his hamstrings." The award is the brain-child of a brilliant man who blames his early hair loss on the fact that the only realization his head could make based upon the wisdom it houses is that any man with such cranial capacity must be infinitely old and should resemble such. (The award creator was contacted but refused comment due to being absolutely humble when dealing with his wonderful idea.) Each year, a "Salty" will be voted on by the members of the league and a plaque/trophy which will be unveiled later will be given to the lucky GM who selected the newly annointed. The purpose of the award is to find the highest/most disappointing pick of a draft. Please vote for 2009's "Salty" award winner to the right.