After a few good seasons, and no longer being considered an up-and-comer, Colorado Rockies shortstop, Troy Tulowitzki, has decided to work on his image. "Now that I'm a mainstay on the club, I decided that I can afford to focus on being totally awesome and not worry so much about my two strike approach." It is this new philosophy that lead the all-star shortstop to seek the help of an unlikely mentor. That mentor is none other than Misfits founder, Glenn Danzig. Yes, that Glenn Danzig.
I then sat down with the student and teacher to dig a little deeper into their relationship. Turns out this rather unlikely pair made their connection in a rather unlikely way. "I was on my bi-monthly visit to my general practitioner when I saw the most unusual message on the sharps container in his office," recounted the now giddy shortstop recollecting the beginning of his relationship. "I watched the nurse dispose of the needle she used to give me my vaccinations and there it was." The "it" that Tulowitzki is referring to was a giant label that ordered all used needles be delivered to one, Glenn Danzig. After seeing this, Tulowitzki was puzzled. "What on Earth would a man want with used needles?" he asked the nurse. "He has his house servants place them in random articles of clothing that he may wear throughout the week," the nurse replied. "I don't get it," said the befuddled MLBer. "His house servants (aka black people) hide the needles everywhere from inside headbands to inside fingerless gloves." It turns out that Danzig thinks that the piercing of his skin with unexpected needles keeps him tough, and the fact that they are all used needles keeps his immune system tough. "How can I expect my immune system to beat the fuck out of disease if I let it become a pussy?", growled Danzig. "Thats it, that's the kind of stuff I want my brain to say!" Tulowitzki interjected.
For those of you that don't know, Glenn Danzig is quite the intimidating force. Imagine a grizzly bear that just knocked down 2 rails of coke and drank a case of Red Bull and you would have Danzig in his sleeping state. It is this shear intensity that drew the softspoken shortstop to the rocker for tutelage. "I was tired of the guys giving me doodoo in the clubhouse for my music selections, so I figured one offseason of work with a guy like Mr. Danzig might change all that for me." Each afternoon, the pair wakes up and starts their day gnawing on stainless steel construction grade chain. "This is how you weed out your pussy teeth," explained Danzig, sensing my confusion. After this breakfast, it's on to metal working. Armed with either a cutting torch or a metal grinder, the two cut/grind on re-bar for about an hour, no purpose in mind, just need to see sparks flying. "If your shirts still on at this point you fucked up during breakfast" adds the teacher. Following this warm-up, it's on to a game called cinder ball. For this game, "Mother" is blared from speakers while the two stand roughly 10 feet apart and exchange tosses of cinder blocks. No defense is allowed and hits below the neck don't count, first to receive 5 hits wins. The next part of the workout is where the Rockie had the hardest part adjusting. This part of the training takes place in what Danzig refers to as the "Rape Room". Inside this 30'x 30' room framed by, you guessed it, stainless steel walls, no beds can be found. Only empty stainless steel toolboxes, the kind you see in the back of pick-up trucks with Salt-Life stickers on the back windshield. The two bleeding men wait inside the Rape Room while the harem of the Rocker is injected with pure adrenaline. The women are then released in the room where they began to scatter like ants running out of a freshly kicked mound. "I understand the getting our dicks wet part, but wouldn't it be easier to just slip a little date rape in their morning coffee?" asks Tulowitzki. "T-Rex doesn't want to be fed, T-Rex wants to hunt," snaps back the furious mentor. This elaborate exercise goes on until the wee hours of the morning, the group sleeps, then repeats the regimen the very next day. 7 days a week, like clock-work.
"The only reason I granted this fucking interview is because a rumor started that I may want to walk up to the Biebs, thats bullshit!" snarled the now angry Tulowitzki. There is no doubt that his training is already shining through in the pupil. He appearred to be way more edgy and intense even as this interview took place. Look for a new brand of baseball out of the perennial MVP candidate. This year when you see Troy Tulowitzki break up a double-play or go into home standing up, don't feel sorry for the player that felt the brunt of Glenn Danzig's schooling, feel greateful for he was allowed to live. And if you are the opposing pitcher and #2 steps to the plate for the Rockies and you begin to hear "Mother" playing on the house system, remember, no defense and only hits to the head count.
