I Wonder If This Shit Still Works?

  

      A few weeks ago, a laureate of our generation sat down to see the proverbial man about a proverbial horse.  After a quick bend of the knee, a small piece of greased lightning slid out, slipping into the water of the cream colored porcelain like a morning dew drop returning to it's home on the surface of a sun kissed pond.  The ease and speed of the transaction took the laureate by surprise.  Instantly his legs stiffened and he peered back to see what he created.  "Well look at that perfect little Venetian gondola!" came out in an audible tone.  It was the most perfect description for a most ordinary occurrence.  That was the moment, the exact moment that I realized I had to get back to telling my story.  Picasso had his brush, Erlenmeyer his flask, I have my hornsofcons.

     I'll be the first to admit it has been a while and it was really tough to get back into this.  Mostly because for some insane reason I have this blogger account tied to a yahoo login and its a real clusterfuck trying to use google stuff without google stuff.  I'm not real sure where to begin.  I took that shit several weeks ago and decided it was time to tell the world (league) my story, and really it's all I have at this point.  So moving forward, you will get to see a new format I call the Bad Chad One-Hitters.  Let's roll......

• It's August 14th and I'm still not sure how I feel about Quality Starts.  I still feel dirty when my guy goes 6 innings and gives up 3 runs, but his team loses 5-1.  Good news is I didn't give a shit about his game after he came out.  Bad news is I didn't give a shit about his game after he came out.  Maybe in 2027 I'll be done mentioning how weird this stat feels to me.   
• Our league has gone through a lot of identity changes.  I blame millenials.  The new trend is to completely sell off your team pre-deadline and have a super draft the following year.  With 6 teams making the playoffs, we only have 7 teams still playing for 2017.  Maybe this isn't a new trend, I'm just bad at remembering stuff.
• The Pucketteers have had a really interesting run of recent weeks.  After trading Sonny Gray and DJ LeMahieu on July 29th and essentially waving the white flag on the year, he then followed it up to cash in his 2018 3rd, 4th, and 5th Rd picks for recently injured/recovered left-handers.  What happens when Kershaw misses the next 2 months of baseball and Madison Bumgarner goes back to chopping wood in his Carhart jacket next week because the Giants are out of it?
• For about the 4th year in a row, the Seal Clubbers manage to field a really good team on paper, but still spend enough time in the basement to creep out Buffalo Bill.  He puts his team in the place of 10 or else he gets the hose again.  
• This year has also been strange in that there are 3 teams at the top and then a huge gap until you come to teams 4-7 fighting to keep a .500 record.  This is what happens when you don't have a salary cap and let the big market teams totally out resource the blue-collar towns of the Backstop Boys.  Really, I have no fucking explanation for how this happened.  Other than the SFDFs put in a lot of work and is really good at twittering, The Grease Missiles compiled more picks in 2016 than Dan Blizerian. And B and L did a great job of scouting playgrounds and the trashcan of the Handyman Slykes. 
• What a fantastic job of drafting by the Lord of Nations and the Grease Missiles.  No, our teams aren't anywhere near where they should be, but god damn we know how to spot poor talent.  For those of us that braved the fog of war known as cannonballs, mcgriddle whishey, and the shotgun shell, you may remember the division draft in which an effort was made to select the weakest division mates possible. (What do you call an Australian that always performs fractions?.... Dad jokes rule! What do you call it when a father is forced into putting cheesy jokes in parentheses?....) When I look at our current composition of 3-6-8-9-10 I have to say job well done brother.  

     And now for a format that you all may be a bit familiar with......that's right bitches.  It's back.  And if you ask me, it is hopefully sorta borderline similar to what it was in the past than ever!  The Trader Rater 2000.  Remember when it was badass to put 2000 on the back end of stuff and it instantly became fucking awesome.  Do you remember playing baseball simulator? Nay?  What about Baseball Simulator 2000?!?!  I'll give the blood a chance to travel back up to your brain from your nether region...........  Remember that awesome batting attribute where the ball would just pin any fielder in it's path to the outfield wall?  Wanna try using your hurricane cyclone pitcher's windup on this pitch? Fuck You! I've been saving up this circly batted ball attribute that sends the ball in weird circles and none of your guys can pick it up.  Eat a dick you spinning pitcher piece of shit. 

May 20th 
Lord of Nations Receive:
     Gio Gonzalez: 85.2 IP, 84 k's, 2.31 ERA, 0.98 WHIP, 11 QS
     Jon Lester:  88.6 IP, 95 k's, 3.96 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, 11 QS

Handyman Slykes Recieve:
     Max Scherzer:  100.2 IP, 144 k's, 1.79 ERA, 0.76 WHIP, 12 QS

Where to begin on this one?  His name is Gio and he throws with his left hand....probably not there.  But I now get the joy of having that in my head all day on the morning I check his stat line.  Early on I still couldn't come to grips with this whole QS thing, so just like the guy with a single girl and a single cup, I decided 2 was much better than one (topical references abound!).  Yeah yeah, Max Scherzer's WHIP is lower than his blue-eye count, but look! I have more quality.  But shit is that guy good.  As a tie-breaker to determine who actually won this trade, let's look at the tryout period it took the Handyman Slykes to determine which Yankee Aaron was actually worth keeping:

Aaron Judge:
8 AB's, .250 Average, 1 HR, 1 R, 3 RBI, 0 SB.  I've seen all I need to see here.  Your teeth are bigger than the 10 commandment tablets and you are prone to strikeouts.  Who cares that you hit a homer every 8 AB's for my team and your root is probably the size of Tyrion Lannister?  Seeya.

Aaron Hicks:
119 AB's, .252 Average, 3 HR, 19 R, 18 RBI, 3 SB.  Thanks for coming out.  I think I may need to see a bit more tape here.  My people will be in touch.

June 14
Lord of Nations Receive:
     Dee Gordon: 204 AB's, .309 avg, 38 runs, 1 HR, 9 RBI, 19 SB
     Fernando Rodney: 13.1 IP, 8 saves, 21 k's, 4.61 ERA, 1.32 WHIP

SFDF Receive:
     Francisco Lindor:  222 AB's, .279 avg, 26 runs, 7 HR, 26 RBI, 5 SB

Yeah, I picked two of my own trades.  Deal with it.  This one looks pretty dang close as well.  Everyone pretty much doing what you'd expect them to do.  Rodney wears his hat like a fucking left hander although he's a northpaw.  Dee Gordon continues to use HGH and drop fuckin bombs slash singles and steal bases, and Lindor continues to be rated a 4 out of 5 in 5 out of 5 categories.  Dammit.  I really wanted this to clearly go in my favor, but it's a stalemate (What do you say to your friend in Australia when the bread is old?)

That's it for tonight.  10th member, don't you dare use my Venetian gondola comment in any of your articles.  I know a good attorney (co-Ganier-ugh) that will sue your ass.

*Jokes Not Used:

• The Pucketteers trade strategy involved his team getting in and out more than a 17 year old penis on homecoming week that time they were handing out free ruhipnol samples at the student union
• The Grease Missiles compiled more draft pics in 2016 than a micro-brew's advertising firm
• Our league has changed identities more than Bruce Jenner (topical references abound)
• Aaron Judge vs Aaron Hicks is more one-sided than Aaron Mack vs Aaron Martin
• Higher number: Grease Missiles Quality Sharts vs Lester/Gio Quality Starts?
• There's a bigger gap between the 3rd place and 4th place teams than there is between Crack Whore's ground meat labia.