Texas Catcher has Giant Honor Bestowed

In what would turn out to be a bitter sweet day, Texas Rangers catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia received a bit of good news following the bad bit he received upon hearing that he made it to the disabled list. "I was sitting on the trainer's table when my cell phone rang, it was my agent" said the beat up backstop. "To have an award named after me at such a young age is quite the honor." The award the journeyman catcher is referring to is the "Salty", an award given out in the Backstop Boys Fantasy Baseball League. In what turned out to be a draft day memory that shall live forever in infamy, Saltalamacchia was drafted by Nacho Daddy in the first 5 rounds, all despite the fact that he was the signal caller for the Rangers AAA affiliate. "I'm pretty pumped, I heard some retard (beefeater 2.0) drafted Eric Byrnes in the 3rd that year and he tore both of his hamstrings." The award is the brain-child of a brilliant man who blames his early hair loss on the fact that the only realization his head could make based upon the wisdom it houses is that any man with such cranial capacity must be infinitely old and should resemble such. (The award creator was contacted but refused comment due to being absolutely humble when dealing with his wonderful idea.) Each year, a "Salty" will be voted on by the members of the league and a plaque/trophy which will be unveiled later will be given to the lucky GM who selected the newly annointed. The purpose of the award is to find the highest/most disappointing pick of a draft. Please vote for 2009's "Salty" award winner to the right.

Bud Light Lime Sales Soar in South Louisiana

A weekend recap for those who couldn't make it and those like me that were there but some things are still a little blurry. Friday night I arrive at the commish's house and he immediately shows me an ice chest of beer with about 3 cases of beer in it and asks me if I think it will be enough for the weekend. Earlier on in the week he told me he split about 26 cases of beer with someone and that was what we'd be drinking for the weekend. So ofcourse, I figured the quantity was fine, but the absurd amounts of Bud Light Lime in the cooler was ridiculous. He then tries to sell me on the scurvy preventer by saying it tastes like Froot Loops. Yeah, thats what I want beer to taste like. We arrive at the fine facilities of Copper Mill Golf Course where the commish gives us all a reminder that this is his place of employment and that there is a big tourney going on and we need to remember our manners. Five minutes later, as we are all standing around admiring the "2010 Fantasy Convention (you guys are cool)" welcome sign, the commish asks Christian to show his tennis ball-sized testicle to his boss. Remember manners, check.
After divvying up the beer among the 7 drinkers and watching the Lime get avoided like the plague, a round of golf kicked off. After what started as a competitive round, ended up with no more beer and a failed covert piss on 18 fairway resulting in urine all over yours truly. It was this moment that defined my day. The golf round ended and the moment I have been losing sleep over for weeks commenced. It started off with Liv staying true to form and getting Mr. Wright. Things pretty much went as scheduled untill 1st bomb drop of the draft went off. If you had Ben Zobrist in your office pool as first completely unexpected selection, congrats. My first 3 rounds pretty much went as I rehearsed, but by round 6, beer kicked in and I drafted Herniated Roberts. Second base. Baltimore Orioles. Although I did manage to redeem myself in Round 8 by allowing myself the option to change my team name to "kickem in denards". My personal highlight of the draft was when Jon Lester was taken and the commish kicked a folding chair only to crumple and hit the ground like a wet rag, then was beaten with a ice chest lid a la WWE. Round 10 a minor miracle happened and something that I think should be added to the Constitution occurred. Fantasy magic touched us all when the Keith Law fournicater selected Ian "Shotgun" Stewart. A wonderful follow-up to the shotgun was made in the 12th when Andrew Bailey was drafted, then Soria....could it be... then Heath Bell......do I smell.....Francisco Rodriguez.... a closer run!!! New owners of Heath Bell and Soria celebrate by humping in front of the draft board with what I think should be our league logo, suck it Jerry West. Way to go SFDF for climaxing the run with K-Rod without even being present to feel the suspense.
6 hours into the draft and we are reaching the rounds of the early teens, I become antsy and start rushing everyone along (apologies to all those present and all those I called to rush). Mr. Brad Hawpe joins the ranks with Ian Stewart and the rest is a blur. Apparently Ben Sheets was named Mr. Irrelevant and a new league name was born (I nominate Joey Fatone as the name of our MVP trophy). Post draft celebrations kicked off with some frisbee game and a trip to the appropriately named "Happy's". I offer to buy the birthday boy (the relevant one) a shot as the soothsayer promises regurge. One car bomb later, our good ol' friend Papa John's makes a second appearance. A few bar shenanigans and a taxi ride with the uber-talkative Mike (sarcasm font necessary for the preceeding) and we called it a day around 4. The next day as I prayed for an I.V. drip on my cross country journey, I could only hope that the previous day is an inkling of the festivities to come this season.

Wright Steals a Page from Hollywood

After an injury plagued season in 2009 and a rough spring, David Wright received a great piece of news this morning and a great piece of ass this afternoon. In a fantasy league yet to be named, Wright got word that he is all but assured to be selected 1st overall in the upcoming draft. "I was a little worried that people would doubt my abilities, but I have a lot of faith that my projections are going to live up to all the hype," said a confident albeit exhausted Wright. The New York Mets 3rd sacker immediately went out to cruise the evening scene in Florida since there is really no significant nightlife being that most of the residents in the state go to bed around 5:30 pm.
Wright soon saddled up to the bar and ordered himself and his entourage a round of strawberry daiquiris and demanded that each be served with a "crazy straw". A bystander overheard the bout of cockiness and took exception. Following his strawberry daiquiri apparrently Wright wasn't done, he then proceeded to knock down a white russian. The bystander that happened to over hear the outlandish demand just so happened to be the new Oakland Athletic, Kevin Kouzmanoff. In an attempt to bring the newly ordained "1st overall" back to earth, or maybe a good ol' fashioned attempt to pull a robbery on the females swooning over Wright, Kouzmanoff mentioned to the young ladies that they "should not cream your panties just yet". "I am well aware of the announcement, and it turns out that the league already has 30 keepers, so you are hoping to fuck the 31st pick overall," said the cock-blocking Russian. "Better than hoping to fuck a Jake Fox platoon partner, and I do mean partner," quipped a fist clenching Wright as he seemed to have life being breathed into his bowed chest. Before another word could be said, Wright delivered a left and communism was again defeated a la Balboa vs. Drago. "Frenchy Francouer and I just watched Bull Durham, and the scene where a drunk Costner gives Tim Robbins the lesson in the bar to always punch with your non-throwing hand was still fresh on my brain," said the now handsy Wright as he groped his prize. I know it is early in the year, but there seems to be a lot of fight in young David Wright.

Texas Dealership has Odd Injuries

-Special to the AP from Paul Macintosh of San Antonio, TX- In what has to be one of the oddest epidemics to ever sweep through any office place, Colton Lane Ford dealership of San Antonio is minus upwards of 7 employees due to a condition known as Erupted Reticulum of Intestinal Cutaneous, or more commonly known as "ERIC". Persons affected by this extremely painful condition suffer a rupture of the side wall in there intestines due to any number of activities, but in this particular case, laughter. Apparently, on March 3rd, a middle-aged Army nurse who would not release his name for this story walked into Colton Lane Ford with the thoughts of making a deal for a new vehicle. The confident nurse strolls into the dealership and immediately asks if the dealership accepts trades for new vehicles. Upon finding out that the dealership did in fact accept trades, the annonymous nurse pulls up a chair and boldly proposed an offer to Ryan Tugwell, the unfortunate salesman that was stuck working with the hopeful wheeler dealer. For a 2009 Ford Escape, the nurse offered his banged up '96 civic he referred to as "Cindy", a ball of twine he has collected since he was 19, and then had the gile to ask the salesman if he could also get first right of refusal for the 3rd car received in the dealership's next shipment. While trying to remain professional, young Mr. Tugwell asked to be excused from the make-shift negotiation and walked back to the employee breakroom where he repeated the nurse's offer to his fellow employees. It was at this point that the breakroom exploded into laughter causing 7 employees to come down with the aforementioned "ERIC". "I am just a young man trying to work my way through college and then this happens," said a wincing Tugwell through the beeps and drips of the hopital apparatuses that coursed through his veins. It is unknown at this time if the nurse is being investigated for 2nd degree assault, but one can only assume some recourse will be pursued being that his offer was so ludicrous. As I sat in his hospital room for this story, Mr. Tugwell managed to crack a meager smile and say, "I guess the only positive here is that last week I signed up for the Army Reserves and now all of my medical expenses are covered under their care." Just then a cotton-topped nurse pokes his head in the door to deliver the agonizing patient his lunch. "I'll offer you a gum wrapper and a crouton for this meatloaf and mashed potato platter," said the orderly. Young Tugwell shrieked and then this reporter had to make a break for the door clutching his gut, praying that he is able to avoid the dredded pain that Tugwell and his co-workers are currently experiencing, "ERIC".

Young Rookie Shows Business Smarts

In what may be the wave of the future, young rookie phenom, Steven Strasburg, has signed an endorsement deal based on his fantasy baseball stock. With the help of super agent Scott Boras, Strasburg inked a deal over the weekend with North American toothbrush giant, Oral-B. Franklin McCourt, Oral-B vice president of advertising, said that the company is planning on re-introducing one of their most famous toothbrush models, "the Reach", to the American public. "Steven just seemed to be the perfect fit for us due to the fact that I know in almost every fantasy baseball league out there, some moron will reach for the unproven rookie about 8 rounds too early, and you know who you are out there." The terms of the deal remain undisclosed, but since Scott Boras was involved, one can only assume it was very client friendly. Boras has managed to put even more of a spotlight onto what teammates are referring to as "Jesus". Without even throwing a pitch this season, young Strasburg has the weight of a city and his team on his shoulders. Now if only Adam Dunn would sign a deal with Jenny Craig.

Brewers Camp A Stir!!

Ryan Braun, along with many other members of the Brewers, showed up to spring training this week in Arizona. But most of the buzz surrounding the perennial all-star wasn't regarding his talents on the field, but rather the happiness he's found outside the lines. Ryan Braun has been spotted out on the town with an anonymous male suitor who can only be described as "tall and handsy". Numerous pictures of the mystery man and Braun have been snapped, including this one attained from TMZ.com. When asked about his new found beau, Braun paused momentarily, then couldn't help but grin from ear to ear as his unibrow came to resemble a small child's rendition of a seagull in flight. "I met him on Eharmony.com," says a befuddled Braun. "His profile said he was looking for an athletic Hebrew, and I knew there were not too many of us out here, so I contacted him immediately," gushed the Brewers outfielder. After talking to a few of the other Brewers who have shown up to begin preparations for the upcoming season, I heard only positive reviews.
I caught up with the hefty first sacker for the Brew Crew, Prince Fielder, and he offered this piece of advice for the newly infatuated Braun, "I hope his new relationship doesn't affect the chemistry the two of us share during our homo-erotic punch-punch-duck celebration, but whatever makes him happy." As I was walking through the facilites, I ran into an equipment manager who was overcome with laughter. I followed him to what looked to be the source of the attention stealer in the clubhouse and caught the tail end of a story. "Tell us what you heard Annual Injury" said a giddy Corey Hart to Rickie Weeks as 8 to 10 members of the Brewers organization huddled around the perputual "breakout year" second baseman. "I missed most of dey conversation yo, but I's pretty sure I heard da dude on da other end of dat phone call Braun "Bam Bam"". Just then, veteran Doug Davis walks by and says "Just when I thought nothing was gayer than two dudes in love, I hear their pet names." At that exact moment, as the make-shift audience exploded into laughter, this lucky reporter saw a team come together.
Now I'm not usually one for predictions, but based on the positive attitude coming from the left fielder, one can only assume it's going to be contagious throughout the team. Look for big things from the Brewers this year, and I'm not talking about Prince Fielder's grocery bill.

Hope Springs Eternal

First off, after last fall when I was debating quitting this fantasy baseball thing all together, then briefly considering a co-manager role with Charles (which have undoubtedly relegated me to a "poster-only role" while Charles did whatever he wanted), this is the most excited about a season that I can remember being. Not because I am confident that I will build a juggernaut, but because I think we have change we can believe in.
I am really excited about the "3 year and done" rule. I think this will open up a huge barrage of blockbuster deals throughout the season. Mimmicking real life trade relations when clubs trade expiring contracts knowing that if they trade the star, they are sure to get something in return rather than just lose them in off-season free agency with nothing to show for it. Also, knowing that certain players will be available to me next year may well be just what I need to get me through what may be another cellar dwelling year. I am just giddy with joy when the day comes that Frank the Tank has to part with his man-crush (my hybrid nemesis), perennial media love toy Derek Jeter.
Another dimension added to our ever increasing dorkiness, is the franchise tag. A brain-child of one of the greatest minds of our time, I believe this option will add a new level of thinking to the already excruciating process of designating keepers. People are going to drool over finding a worthy franchise tag like NFL teams cream themselves over attaining a franchise QB. Although it may not happen this year, I know that soon all 10 teams in the league will have a very solid franchise player, which will allow for a little more parity, all while not completely squashing the chances of a dynasty.
Finally, the one thing that I believe should have almost everyone in the league confident, the fact that last year the 5th and 6th place teams met in the finals with the 6th place team ultimately earning its place on the grail we battle for every spring, the hallowed Puckett Bucket. Although teams may not be full of powerhouses, with a few breaks here and there, any team can be 6th place quality, then get hot in the playoffs.
We are still months away from opening day, but slowly and steadily this hobby that I will be cursing in September, seems to be occupying my thoughts more and more. Happy pondering a-holes, may your draft preparations lead you all astray.