Venezuela Gets a Navy?

After signing a 7 year/$80.5 million contract, Rockies speedy outfielder is still not happy. Taking cue from last year's Stephen Strasburg and Oral-B coalition, Gonzalez has partnered with the most unlikely of counterparts. "My agent came to me with this propasal and I just couldn't pass it up," a hardly bilingual Gonzalez said through horrible english with a heapin helpin of thick Venezuelan mixed in. Now that the ink has dried on the deal, one thing is for sure, Carlos now has plenty of pockets to put all of his cash in.
The deal that Carlos Gonzalez is speaking of is his partnership with American clothes outfitter Old Navy. "When we were approached by their people for Carlos to help promote their summer line of cargo shorts, we knew it was a homerun!," said an almost giddy Lester Murdoch, agent for the newly inked spokesman. Terms for the deal remain undisclosed, although one can only speculate that it is quite a hefty sum.
As the softspoken centerfielder stepped up to the podium at his recent press conference, he mumbled into the mic "I love them, they have tons of room for stuff." "We'll have to work on that," said the giggling Murdoch. At the recent photo shoot to launch the new campaign, the photographer realized very quickly that serious was out as an option. "The kid's a, how you say, goofy moron toddler?" quipped Hans Van Persie, the photog tagged with capturing the youngster modeling his newly sponsored apparrel. "But all in all, that's exactly who I feel the company is marketing towards, so I feel we captured the essence of the campaign." Look for many more ads like the one above to hit bus benches and billboards this summer.
Last spring, young Mr. Strasburg may have started a trend, and not the one Adam Wainright followed yesterday. The flamethrower opened up new doors in the cross-promotiional world. No longer are athletes relegated to promoting sporting good stores or car dealerships. Now through marketing genius, they can help push all sorts of products. Without a doubt, there will be plenty more to follow.

Backstop Boys Team Logos

In preparation of the upcoming 2011 fantasy baseball season, Backstop Boys owners are tasked with creating a team logo that truly represents what each team is all about (shitty Microsoft Paint skills required). Unfortunately, several of the team owners are either 1)a nancy boy, 2)have no self confidence, or 3)simply suck at fantasy baseball, thus causing said owners to oft change his (hopefully none of you are categorized as her) team name. Perhaps the changing of one's team name is just the boost a team needs to kick start a run for the playoffs, after all, I myself have finished 2nd and 1st over the last 2 years since changing my team name to the now permanent, ever popular team name to be revealed later on in this blog post. Clearly by demeaning the players on my team, I have motivated them to excel and bring championships where they belong. It reminds me of the time Wes Welker did a little too much talking about some guy's foot fetish and said foot fetish guy proceeded to send Wes Welker home for the remainder of the season. It was such a great moment, it seemed like it was just yesterday, but I digress.

So without further ado, I present to you the team logo for the (Land)Man, the Myth, the Legend, the creator and owner of this blog, The Grand Punctuator:

Team Name: beefeaters (Not to be confused with beefeeders, b-feeters or anything else that sounds like a combination of the words beef and eaters)

___________________________________________________________________________________
And for the moment we've all been waiting for, my hours and hours of Google Images searching and Microsoft Paint expertise have resulted in the following masterpiece:

Team Name: Shitface Dickfarts

And there you have it, the first 2 Backstop Boys team logos for 2011. Stay tuned for more shitty displays of Microsoft Paint at its finest. Good day sirs.

__________________________________________________________________________________
And the latest entrant into the Backstop Boys Logo game...its the Pucketteers Owner with his rendition of a portly African-American in a European Hat biting a knife because his limbs were amputated due to his diabetes....I present to you...

Team Name: The Pucketteers

__________________________________________________________________________________
Here's the first effort at the Re-Tods logo. Not too creative, but it is what it is. When you other slack asses figure out your logos, send them to us and we'll post them.

Team Name: The Re-Tods


___________________________________________________________________________________
Sorry for the okie doke that I had to pull. The previous beefeaters image is in homage to my first 4 years of destitute performances with that moniker. A cleansing of demons if you will. I needed a new moniker with no previous baggage so I called upon my made up title that usually only goes on bachelor party emails or wedding gifts and stuff. I present to you, C.M., LoN. (Its a little disturbing how much Florida looks like the flaccid penis in all anatomy books)

Team Name: Lord of Nations




_____________________________________________________________________________________

I have this wonderful image of the huge scoreboard at the All Valley Karate Tournament where Daniel LaRusso's name along with the picture of the banzai tree in front of the sunset advancing in the bracket against the evil cobra pictures.....I can't help but feel that I need to be part of this magical 80's americana. I want my logo next to other logos on some sort of display board thing. With my dream in mind, can everyone please get a logo made so our draft board can also have these amazing works of art next to our team names?>

Rock the Vote

Pick one. They are labeled as follows Top=1 Bottom=4. Hopefully you turds can figure out the other 2.

.....And the 2nd Annual Salty Goes To.......

It's that time of the year gentlemen and squires. Time to anoint the most boner move of last year's Draftapalooza. Through much debate amongst The Commish and myself, we landed on these 4 names and their high sodium chloride content. The criteria we came up with are as follows: 1)The most obvious, if the pick is high overall and the player just flat out sucks eggs, 2) The player is injured at the time of the draft, still drafted relatively high, and never performs worth a shit **We decided that players drafted high and got injured during the season is not the fault of the owner and therefor not eligible for the Salty. The question I pose to you, voters of Backstop Boyville, is who is the saltiest?

VOTE TO THE RIGHT!!

Zobrist: 6th overall .238 avg, 10HR, 75RBI, 77R, 24SB Yahoo Rank 202
Sandoval: 11th overall .268 avg, 13HR, 63RBI, 61R, 3 SB Yahoo Rank 294
Sizemore: 36th overall .211avg, 0HR, 13RBI, 15R, 4SB Yahoo Rank 1250
Roberts: 58th overall .278 avg, 4HR, 15RBI, 28R,12SB Yahoo Rank 1062

**For those of you who are awesome and recognized the picture above, my eternal respect is yours. For those of you who are dumb idiotheads, that menacing face belongs to the Iodizer, arch nemesis of the Immature Radioactive Samurai Slugs, the "Tiny Toons" version of TMNT. Throughout all the episodes the Iodizer would try and shoot salt out of his fingers onto the slugs to kill them. In my favorite episode, the Samurai Slugs are tailed by the Iodizer into a bar that is full of deer belly up to the bar crushing beers. Just when you think The Slugs have met their match and are cornered by the Iodizer, one of the deer mentions that the bar is out of saltlick, and at this point The Slugs point out that the Iodizer is full of salt, the deer rape orgy the Iodizer's face and The Slugs live to fight another day. Man that show was before it's time.

Love is in the Air

I think it's no coincedence that MLB spring training kicks off on Valentine's Day this year. Baseball Season, I accept, I will be yours. I'm pretty sure I know what's coming with us, but can't quit daydreaming about our relationship.
They say that relationships conjured up in Spring Break type atmospheres aren't built to last, but that they are also never forgotten. So true. Watching you from afar and thinking of you countless hours a day will do nothing but fuel my flames for when we rekindle our lust on March 26th. I will no doubtedly be drunk and you will no doubtedly take advantage of me. After countless attempts by you, and me constantly reminding you it's a bad idea, you will eventually talk me into letting that beefy 3rd baseman from Chicago join in with us. And you know what Baseball Season, I'll probably wake up the next morning a little hazy on what happened the night before, but confident in our future together and quasi-confident in the fact that I can get cleared up (Aramis-to the waiver wire) of anything you gave me on our reunion night.
I'll drive home from our reunion and this is where our love will be tested. Long distance relationships are always hard to maintain and ours is no different. I'll start out checking up with you multiple times a day on the internet, waking up to catch up with how your night went, then falling asleep dreaming about how your next day will go. This will probably last for months. But it won't last forever. Come late summer I'm sure there will be a few days that I even forget to check with you at all. You will no doubt scorn me by doing something completely awesome on one of the days when you could't be further from my mind. (I'll never forgive the Giants for calling up Buster Posey while I was at the Indy 500). Things will definitely become a little routine by late summer, but being the warrior that I am, I will continue to trudge on. Come early Fall, you will have me again eating out of your hands again(assuming I'm in the playoff hunt). We will know our time together is coming to an end and we will both try and throw ourselves into our relationship for one more good late run. You again will have my interest peaked and I will again be following your every move, but it will be too little too late and we will part ways, hopefully this year on good terms.
But be it good terms or bad, there will always be another Spring Break party in 2012, and I'm always willing to get weird with somebody......

Greatest Game No One Knew Took Place

In a surprise clash of the Titans where one team was 1 game over .500, one of the greatest fantasy playoff battles this league has ever known went down. It was a first-round square off between the Magical Unicorns and JohnClaytonsPonytail. The soiree ended 95.98 to 94.72 with the Magical Unicorns getting the right to advance in the bracket. But this would be one of those proverbial "much closer than the score indicates" games.
It all started last Thursday night. JCPT's Pierre Garcon has an amazing night catching 2 TD passes and jumps his master out to a 18.15 lead. Somewhere between this point and Sunday the white hefty bag that sat atop the Metrodome, you know, the one that Minnesottans thought could support a Northern winter, collapes and drops too much snow for the Sunday slated game between the Vikings and Giants, forcing it to be moved to Monday night. This rare circumstance only ratchets up the drama that would happen the very next night to immeasurable levels.
Heading into Monday night, the score was Maigical horny horses 61.73- JCPT 64.03. Here is the kicker, along with JCPT's 2 point lead, he also has 4 players going against the Magical Horny Horses 2. Baltimore defense, Mario Manningham, Arian Foster, and Ryan Longwell vs. Andre Johnson and Ahmad Bradshaw. This lead and those remaining players makes this lead seem insurmountable. Not so fast my friend.
Cue batshit crazy happening number one. After 297 straight career starts, Favre quits leaving Ryan Longwell's kicking possibilities in the inept hands of knee-knocker Tavaris Jackson. T-Jack manages to take out their starting RB and sitting out a few plays limiting Longwell's production to an abysmal 3 points. Kicker Neutralized.
Also in this game is Ahmad Bradshaw representing the MU. In the second quarter Bradsaw has a run that appears to have him go into the endzone only to have the guys in Foot Locker uniforms rule him down just short of the goal line. Next play, Big Black Behemoth Brandon pounds in the remaining 1 yard for the score. This apparent touchdown stolen from Bradshaw's owner costs him 6 points. Surely he would need all the help he could get to overcome the adversity he was faced with heading into the Monday night double-header.
Now over to the game where the real drama unfolded. Simple breakdown of why this game was so important. One team has the Texans biggest offensive threat, the other has the Raven's defense. Ravens start out crushing the red clad Texans and jump out to a 21-0 lead. Shutout intact, Andre Johnson rendered meaningless. 42 seconds to go in the half and the lifeless Texans manage to somehow get Andre Johnson behind the Raven's homeless safety and he scores a 46 yard touchdown. A huge lift going into the break, double whammy, big points for Johnson, negative points for Ravens' D. Could the gap be closing?
Once again, cue the Corso catch phrase. After halftime, the Ravens receive the kickoff and after 29 missed tackles, the ball is matriculated 103 yards down the field for a special team touchdown. In your face Andre Johnson, your score has now been washed. The game continues to progress with no big happenings taking place. Keep in mind that JCPT has Arian Foster, the league's leading rusher, sad part is that after all the smoke clears he turns out to be a non-factor.
Fast forward to 21 seconds left in the game. MU is now down by 1 point and needing a miracle from his only remaining player, Andre Johnson. After a pass that may have been intended for Jacoby Jones is caught in the back of the endzone by Mr. Johnson, 6 points and change are added to the herd of mythical equine and 3 points are taken from JCPT after his defense goes from the 21-27 point range to the 28-34 point range. This one play resulted in a 9 point swing. For those of you who don't feel like doing the math. The Corns are up about 8 points now. Since I knew what was at stake and my team had secured a 1st round bye because I'm awesome, I immediately started contemplating what it would take for this lead to be erased. The only two options left were Arain Foster and the Baltimore defense. Texan's get the ball back around their own 10 in overtime. Play one, incomplete pass. Play 2, Shaub drops back and throws a pick 6. 7 points for the owner of the Raven's defense!!! Could it be, after letting the MU back into the game the most improbable of all comebacks had happened. Nope, wait for it, it wasn't enough. JCPT comes up 1point short with all the lead changes coming in the final minutes of the fantasy week.
Epic.

Keeping the Buzz Alive

In an attempt keep their fans' interest piqued in the winter months, a lot of Major League Baseball clubs have come up with a few ideas to keep their teams in the spotlight year round. From documentaries to game shows and everything in between, fans get a look a little deeper into the lives of their favorite players in a few of these interspective pieces. I personally hope this sort of thing catches on because I enjoy seeing the real side of the people that have become drone-like creatures when a news camera is in front of them. Below are a few of the ideas that some of the more progressive clubs are marketing currently.

White Sox: “Juan and Dunn”. A reality show based on a the comedy that ensues when a fat white man from Texas shares a studio apartment with a skinny black kid from Louisiana. Set against the back drop of racism in the South

Phillies: “Roys will be Roys”. A documentary chronicling the joint venture between Roy Halladay and Roy Oswalt into the cutthroat market of crystal serving containers, the name of their company, Ace Pitchers

Nationals: “A Desmond in the Rough”. After star pitcher Stephen Strasburg couldn’t stay healthy long enough for a simple magazine article to be written about him, hot newcomer Ian Desmond was chosen as the title character in this piece. Catch-phrase from the error prone shortstop, “I play defense with my bat”

Rangers: “Line or Liquid”. Contestants are forced to choose between 2 answers, Line or Liquid, in this fun for all ages game show. In each round contestants are provided with everyday household items and they have to decide if it would be better to inject or snort that item. They write their answer on a tablet to see if they can match the two-man panel of experts consisting of Ron Washington and Josh Hamilton. Winner gets free fore-arm flame tattoos and a Kornheiser afro-puff.

Athletics: “Braden does Dallas: Dirty Sheets edition”. Sexcapade in which pitchers Dallas Braden and staff veteran Ben Sheets travel to the city of Dallas, Texas where the two of them chronicle their efforts to see who can shred the most trim in the offseason. Content not suitable for all viewers.