Trash Can Fire Report- Dodgers Edition

Following the controvertible trade of Tim Lincecum, The Seal Clubbers found themselves with arguably no "superstars". One could argue that Jacoby Ellsbury falls into that category, but with an ADP of 9, I believe he pretty much has to be tabbed as a value pick, at least for one more year. But with the disappointing 2011 season now in the rear-view mirror, The Clubbers have nothing but blue skies in front of them. Being most likely the only team in the league with every pick in the first 4 rounds still available to him after he designates keepers, it is pretty safe to say that the marquee outside the team facilities will have a much different look come 2012. With a recipe of solid late round keepers like the promising young talents of Michael Morse and Ryan Vogelsong, resurgent Ian Kennedy, and most likely the 3rd overall pick in the upcoming draft, it looks like The Clubbers have all the ingredients to bake a pretty damn good cake.
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A boy once put in months worth of time with the prettiest girl in all the land, landed her as a date for the senior prom, made all the right moves and said all the right things throughout the night, and when the moment of truth came and it was go time for the young beau to reap the benefits for all of his trouble, he slides off his dates' dress and then suddenly......Albert Pujols busts in, punches the young beauty in the face and butt rapes our main character. That exact thing happened to the Lord of Nations last year, only replace the first half of that story with winning the regular season and leading the second round of the playoffs until Sunday night when Albert Pujols showed up, punched him in the stomach then butt raped him. Not a whole lot new to look forward to from this squad heading into a new season with its perennial keepers of Kershaw (4th year on squad) and Cabrera (3rd year). Fingers crossed that everyone else falls in line.
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If I had to pick 7 words to describe Sid Bream's career, somewhere after "triumphant soup strainer" and before "70's sexy" would be the word consistent. If ever a team took on the personality of its moniker, it's this one (the use of it's and its may be backwards there, I can never remember, but if it bothers you, I hate you for more reasons than this, so no worries). The Bream Team has turned in top 4 performances since the inception of the league and 2012 shows no signs of differing. With a possible 2 headed monster of any combination of Tulowitzki/Longoria and Prince Fielder, this juggernaut probably all but assumes his squad will be maneuvering this post-season (Either Longo or Tulo have to be franchised or lost). With solid late pick-ups of hot newcomer Brett Lawrie and Eric Hosmer, The Bream Team has more than enough viable options to be the third wheel of Bream's keeper tricycle.
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Faced with a similar situation last year, in a shocker B&L decided to drop clear cut top second-baseman and save his first round draft pick. The plan worked out beautifully as the cream of the shallow crop managed to somehow fall back to B&L and become a huge part of yet another solid year put together by the squad. To say that B&L's manager likes his players young would be an insult to Jerry Sandusky. With his only concrete keeper this offseason being still wet behind the ears Mike Stanton, there are still many possible kids that ended the year on last year's roster to round out this years cabbage patch. With all these options and their late ADP's, look for B&L to be the only possible manager to challenge The Seal Clubbers for most picks through the first 5 rounds.
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Team Twinks & Bears is choosing to go the route of all good biscuits and start from scratch. In an unprecedented move for this league, the squad has decided to keep no one and assemble a completely new team. Be bold my friends.

Trash Can Fire Report- Padres Edition

After a somewhat disappointing season and a constant battle with the injury bug, the Re-Tods find themselves in an optimal spot this offseason heading into the draft. With possible first round keepers and the first choice in the D.O.S.O., it makes sense for the Re-Tods to keep players of later round ADP and simply use the first pick to just snatch up whichever Round 1 keeper he decides to let re-enter the free agent pool with his Round 1 pick.
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Via multiple trades, the Pucketteers put together a squad poised to make a strong playoff push in 2011, but the go-for-broke style trading is now catching up with the "win-now" manager. After assembling a bevy of big names with Round 1 ADP, the Pucketteers left themselves with a depleted stockpile of 2012 draft picks. The lack of a Round 3 pick assures that either Halladay, Pujols, or love interest Ryan Braun must be let go (so long Roy). This makes Justin Upton with an ADP of 4 the most likely candidate to fill keeper slot #3 for the team. Add to this the fact that the Pucketteers also traded away 2012 draft pick #5, and it looks like we have ourselves a beer bitch until Round 6.
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Another year, another Shitface Dickfarts championship. In a bold move leading up to the 2011 draft, Shitface Dickfarts kept 3 pitchers, effectively putting the rest of the league into panic mode on draft day in search of new hurlers. With the low ADP of 6, you can guarantee that 2011 Cy Young winner Justin Verlander will have a "k" next to his name come draft time. Following the mantra of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", there is a good chance that Felix Hernandez and Jared Weaver are adorned with "k's" as well to round out the klan for the reigning champ.
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Being faced with the second overall pick of the 2011 draft, Pinstripe Pirates was also faced with the age old dilemma of taking the best player available or taking a good player at a position with absolutely no depth. Spoiler Alert: Pinstripe Pirates opted for choice B to take A-Rod and decided to leave Robinson Cano to slide further down in the draft. Does he regret it? I can't say for certain because all therapy files have to remain confidential due to law, but I'd bet my non-dominant thumb that it still keeps him up at night. The effects of this past draft day event may definitely be lingering in the air of the war room for the San Antonio based club. It's almost nightly that I receive updated keeper thoughts from the manager. After Kemp, you can pretty much just throw a dart at last year's roster of the GQ Buccaneers to pin-point who the other two klansmen will be entering 2012.............scary thought, after typing that last sentence, I may have given the exact methodology to be used this year by the shell-schocked veteran.

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After a multi-year hiatus, the club formerly known as the Cowhide Joyride decided to kickoff his second stint with what has evolved into the Backstop Boys Fantasy Baseball League. But in his brief time away from the league, it changed in ways that his brain couldn't even fathom. It reminded me a lot of Brooks from "Shawshank Redemption". Finally he is re-introduced into society armed solely with the memories of a simpler time, a time when he was last involved in this magical world, only to find that now the world "went off and got itself into a damn hurry". No longer were highlighters and gas station receipts suitable to put together a team, it now required research and spreadsheets. After stumbling out of the gates when the season kicked-off, The Grease Missiles were able to put together a slew of high profile pieces down the stretch that will provide very solid building blocks heading into 2012. Now if he shows up this year with a 24-color pack of Crayolas and dry-erase board, look out.

Trash Can Fire Report

I'll try to keep an updated list of the offseason info that is relevant to the upcoming draft. Keep in mind that this information is taken from what league members say or my own speculation, and all parties involved may be full of poop.

Draft Order Selection Order (D.O.S.O.)

1. Re-Tods
2. Cowhide Joyride
3. Seal Clubbers
4. Twinks & Bears
5. Business & Leather
6. Pinstripe Pirates
7. Lord of Nations
8. The Bream Team
9. Pucketteers
10. Shitface Dickfarts


Keepers & Draft Picks Extra/Lost (via Keepers and Trades)

1. Re-Tods- Jose Buatista (4) , Ryan Zimmerman (3), Cain (9) & taking #1 overall
2. Cowhide Joyride- Adrian Gonzalez (2), Cliff Lee (3), Josh Hamilton (2)/Matt Holliday (3)?
3. Seal Clubbers- Jacoby Ellsbury (9), Vogelsong (20)/Kennedy (20)/Castro (15)?
4. Twinks & Bears- Votto (1), Granderson (11), Hamels (7)
5. Business & Leather- Mike Stanton(9), Bumgarner(17), Brandon Beachy (20)
6. Pinstripe Pirates- Kemp(3), McCutcheon(4),Kinsler(3)/Reyes(3)? Traded: Rd 4,6 Gained: Rd 4,6
7. Lord of Nations- Cabrera(1), Kershaw(4), Jennings(20)/CC(5)/CJ Wilson (20)/Kuroda(18) Traded: Rd: 6 Gained: Rd 5
8. The Bream Team- Tulowitzki(1), Fielder(2), Hosmer(20)/Lowrie(20)?
9. Pucketteers- Braun(1), Pujols(1), Justin Upton(4)? Traded: Rd 4,5 Gained:Rd 6,6
10. Shitface Dickfarts- Verlander(6), Weaver(8), Felix(2)?


***I'LL UPDATE THIS ONCE I GET THE ADP or MORE PEOPLE ANNOUNCE CONCRETE KEEPERS****

Trash Can Fire Report

First off, I beg of you guys, I need you to please make comments after this post because I feel like I need this support group to move past the shellacking I watched Alabama put on the 11 parking cones lined up across from them this past Monday. Deer everywhere are now referring to their fallen brethren's lack of evasive maneuvers as Jefferson in linebacker eyesights. I've decided to move on to my next relationship, but I can't do it without your help. Like a weeping 34 year old lady that just got dumped and is now sitting in her flannel fat pants and calling over her other pathetic friends to watch a Lifetime movie and eat Bluebell ice cream straight from the tub, I need your help. Grab a spoon.
After seeing a bunch of your ugly mugs (and pictures of some of your shirtless mugs on party buses) this weekend, I've decided to throw out my own little Backstop Boys League version of the uber-informative Hot Stove report on espn.com that gives us such gems as, "AL East GM claims many teams still interested in Fielder?". I love a good question-statement, so I present to you "The Trash Can Fire Report". I hope to throw a bunch of shit that may or may not be construed as knowledge into these reports, light it all on fire, and hopefully a bunch of bums, and god willing, hobos, flock to it. Ultimately, I hope this will be the first of many installments of the TCFR, but thats also what Benny wanted when somehow he was introduced to the greatest collection of fantasy baseball minds in 2009, but after only 2 years, he is nothing more than a slogan.



* Kendrick a Keeper? After rumors floating around that LoN may keep Kendrick to add to his Kershaw Kabrera 2-headed monster, mainly for the alliteration that will ensue, the young second baseman now floats everywhere. "The fact that I've gone from 4-time fantasy kryptonite for Mr. LoN to now being a possible completely over valued keeper is superdy duper!", quipped the levitating Angel



*BamBam Thank You Ma'am? Ryan Braun, seen here with his trainer, (Sorry sir, costumes do not work, Brian McNamee was found even though he refuses to get out of that giant douche costume) may be done filling the cum dumpster he calls the Pucketeer's. After getting busted using PEDs, most probably administered by the villainous lobsterdog, Braun may be faced with a 50-game suspension. After failing to even come up with a crazy excuse like getting his steroids mixed-up with french vanilla coffee creamer or something real feminine like that, one can only assume he's as guilty as getting caught hiding in the bed of a pick-up truck after a smoke bomb mysteriously went off on someone's screen window. When the question came up of whether Braun will become a free agent and could possibly wind up with a new home in 2012, the superstar quickly said "Please God"




*New Home for Aramis = New Home for Aramis? Hopefully




*Holliday Over For Joyride? After vowing "I will never be a fantasy free agent again!" (and apparently having it tattooed on his arm) when the Re-Tods made him the 2nd overall pick back in 2010, it appears that Matt Holliday may again be found at singles mixers this offseason. With offensive juggernaut and completely legal alien Adrien Gonzalez and fankiller Josh Hamilton already on the Cowhide Joyride, it appears that the man with the coolest haircut in the league not named Cody Ross may be in search of a new home assuming his current owner looks to start the season +1 in the SP position and holding onto mid-season acquisition Cliff Lee.





*Possible Trade for Crawford? Hopefully Crawford does take up a trade, possibly major league hitting. Drum, drum, cymbal. Pinstripe Pirates has about as good a chance of unloading this guy as a lactose intolerant fiber deprived octogenarian unloading a bowl of ice cream cereal.







*Possible Keeper for Business & Leather? B&L manager doesn't get all the "You like em young" comments. Really? Maybe Mike Stanton (22), Michael Pineda (22), Mike Minor (24), or Mike Trout (20) can explain it to you during one of their diaper changes. P.S. Please change your name to the Young Mikes.

A Heart With 2 Counterparts is a Heart Alone

As fall is now setting in, the time of year that many men across the country long for annually is finally upon them. The intensity of playoff baseball is heating up and the anticipation of football season has climaxed into a reality. But it's not a magical time for every man in America. All across our great country, athletes are having to leave their families behind to head out on road trips or having to cancel that family vacation they had planned assuming their team would miss the playoffs. This can be extremely hard on them, but very few people get to see the damage that is done behind the curtains, in the players' home. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to report on a very unique circumstance with a person going through this very thing, on two fronts.
For this story, I was headed down to a town in southeast Louisiana that somehow seems to be simultaneously up and coming and completely stagnant all at the same time, a future metropolis/wasteland known as Zachary, Louisiana. Like I mentioned earlier, the reason I ended up here is a very unique circumstance. The recent lonely lover I'm here to cover is named J.C. Anderson Jr. and his heart is being torn in two differentdirections. He recently received the phone call all baseball wives' both pray to receive and hope never comes. "We had been planning all summer to spend a magical fall in the Poconos watching the leaves change, so when BamBam called to cancel due to the postseason I was happy for him, but crushed for us," stammered a still heartbroken Anderson through held back tears. Seeming to sense his dismay at this very moment, one of his many cats quickly nestled in his lap to try and offer comfort to the now obviously choked up Anderson. With the high reward that comes from his partner's job, a demanding schedule also follows. Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers has to report to training camp in early spring and is guaranteed to be out of pocket through the summer and into early fall. "BamBam usually makes the all-star team so that ruins the chance of us having a midsummer lover's soiree during peak bathing suit season, so most of our get togethers are for a night here and there usually leading to one too many mai tais and way too few sexual relations."
This heartache is nothing new to Anderson, but this year in particular looked to be extremely more taxing on the daintily clad lover. "BamBam said he'd only catch for the playoff run in order to save energy, problem is, he most definitely knows I'm no pitcher," muttered Anderson as he wiped his now running nose on the sleeve of his Easter pink polo. "This lead me into something I often thought about on my lonely summer nights, but believed I would never have the stomach to actually act on, I found comfort in the arms of another man." Problem is, that other man is also forced out of his partner's arms this time of year. "In my head it all worked out so perfectly, BamBam could keep me warm in the winter months and Tom would be there to cool me off in the summer months." But like Steinbeck once wrote, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."
"When the phone rang and it was BamBam telling me the Poconos trip wasn't happening, I thought that it couldn't get any worse, then last week happened," sobbed Anderson after excusing himself for a few moments seemingly to gather himself and also to put on some Abercrombie pajama pants at 2:00 in the afternoon.
"I helped Tom pack then drove him to the airport and seemed to be doing ok, I had come to grips with the life I had chosen, my men had men to lead and a man to leave. But when I saw those Ugg boots walking down the jetway, I felt like a 1,000 pound weight was placed on my chest and the heartache came rushing back."
Now, just because Anderson is left alone this time of year, don't jump to any conclusions about him being unsatisfied. Everyone has heard various stories about army wives or other lonely ladies that are left alone for long stints of time.
Many of them manage to keep themselves "occupied" with a little self-stimulation and our featured character is no different.
Suddenly, Anderson's demeanor switched from a mentally defeated victim to someone who seemed to have a secret that no one else knew. "Before Tom left I had him cram a 4-leaf clover, a rabbit's foot, and a horseshoe up my ass," grinned Anderson through a smirk that strangely resembled an evil villain that just concocted a fiendish plan to conquer the world, "they're all up there right now!"
At least this is how I suspect his playoff run is happening.

The Trade Winds: They Are A Blowin'

Here we are a whopping 1/3 of the way through the baseball season and there have been more trades than a man who happened to lose 3 of his fingers in a tragic meat grinder incident could count on both of his hands combined. The players swapping sides aren't role players either, we're talking some high quality shit changing hands here. Among those players changing hats thus far this season have been a 1st rounder, a 2nd rounder, a 3rd rounder, 3 keepers, and a pitcher who happened to throw a no-hitter this year. Maybe it has something to do with the keeper/franchise tag rule, or maybe it has something to do with the option of manager's trading future picks, but something has got this league in quite a tizzy and no one knows that better than Francisco Liriano.
With the historical distinction of adding his name to the no-no list this year, Liriano is quoted as saying that his "No-no isn't even the craziest thing he's accomplished this season." Francisco Liriano has become the first baseball player ever to have been traded three times in a season that I can remember without doing any research whatsoever. Lirian-hoe is the sure thing being passed around the Backstop Boys league like the horny sorority girl on homecoming week that just seems to always leave her drink unattended. After being drafted into sluttery by the Re-Tods, their relationship soon soured (I suspect boredom), and he was then traded to B&L on April 12th, feeling crushed, "The village bicycle" decided to open up his back door to keep things spicy for his new manager. Unfortunately butt ramming can only last so long as even the brown eye can lose it's elasticity and on May 10th he was again traded, this time to the LoN's. "I'm not sure how he passed his physical before the trade went through, he was clearly suffering from what I call a shot balloon knot when he got here", said Liriano's newly disappointed manager. After a whopping 13 days on already his 3rd team, LoN's decided to hit it and quit it and ship the damage goods on it's way. This time he landed on the Pinstrip Pirates squad and remains there to this day. As some of us know first hand, you can try your best to make an honest woman out of a crack whore who lets you rail them in the back of a 4runner, but eventually she will cheat on you with a parapalegic and it will be time to kick that ass to the curb.
There is no telling what kind of kinky stuff that Lirian-hoe has opened himself up to for his new manager with the Pinstripe Pirates. The only thing to know for sure is that since crack whores almost never have personalities, eventually the fireworks in the bedroom won't be able to fill the chasm that will soon separate the hoe from her pimp. The way this year is shaping up, there will no doubt be many more trades to come, just be careful you don't catch something.

Greatest Love Story Never Told

This heart-warming human interest piece is based on a little known fact to even the most dutiful baseball fan. In the 1980's a young man known as "El Chulo" (English Translation, n. pimp) landed his dream job aboard the "The Carnival Breeze", a luxury cruise liner amongst the famed Carnival Cruise fleet. "My yob, it was muy beueno", said El Chulo, as he stared in the distance almost watching the memories of a better time take place all over again. "My yob was to clean dishes aboard el ship, but when we docked is when I really did my work."
Rafeal "El Chulo" Cabrera Jr. was born in a poor Dominican village and it wasn't long before his thirst for life outside the slums could not be quenched. As a wide-eyed 8 year old boy, he once wandered to the bustling city of Santo Domingo. It was here that young Rafeal saw a cruise ship unload a cargo of knowledge seeking tourists. These tourists looked so different than what young Rafeal was used to and this intrigued every fiber in his being. He finally gained the courage to speak to one of these strange people and learned that simply by getting on this ship they were able to see many parts and people of the world in a relatively short period of time. It was exactly what he wanted. He would finally break the chain of landscaping and tortilla rolling that had plagued his family for generations.
After many years of laying on the dust ridden streets of his village and imagining traveling from port to port as he stared at the stars, a now 17 year old Rafeal worked up the strength to tell his father that he would not carry on the family landscaping business. He would go out on his own. A dejected Rafeal Sr. peered up at his son through teary eyes and said, "promise me this son, you will bring the name Cabrera all over the world." "I will Papa", returned the emotionally torn Jr. as the sadness of departing and the angst of starting anew set in.
One week washing dishes on the ship couldn't pass soon enough. Finally the ship made port in the South American country of Venezuela. Rafeal Jr. finished his work and decided to mix in among the locals of the community to learn their way of life. It wasn't long before Rafeal began laying the foundation to lay the pipe that would earn him his nickname. He got hammer drunk, hung out in an alley behind the local watering hole and grabbed the first nina' that walked by. He held a steak knife from "The Carnival Breeze" to her throat as he forced his "excavadora" (literal translation to english is "shovel", but apparently it Mexican slang for dick, also) in her hooha. After spraying he heard the departing words of his father ring true in his head. He then, almost instinctively, pressed the steak knife even closer to his lover's neck as he said, "Bitch, no matter what, if this baby is a boy, his last name must be Cabrera, if you do not follow my wishes, I will be back to end you!" This romantic ritual took place all over the Caribbean.
Flash forward 20 something years to the Grapefruit League in Arizona. Three Cabrera boys, Melky, Asdrubal, and Miguel, all playing for different Major League squads, get together and discuss how great it is that despite being from different areas they all have the same last name. Their stories soon turned to their families and each tells the story they've heard all their lives about their father. All three stories are eerily similar and they conclude that it has to be more than a coincidence, they were all sired by the same man.
May 2nd the 3 Cabrera's were united on a fantasy baseball force known as the Lord of Nations. Melky was the last to come along and was a little aprehensive at first. "I didn't know what to expect, new places are always different, the new manager may be cool, he may be a dick," said a still uneasy Melk-man. "Manager is super awesome, after my epic night of partying he not only kept me, he kept me as a first rounder!" said the senior and senor Cabrera, Miguel. "It's so nice to be here with all my rape brothers," adds Asdrubal, "we're pretty sure our Papa also rape-loved Orlando's mama, but he's a real dick and he also plays my position so we asked the LoN to just limit it to us three."
We caught up with this Lord of Nations and asked him how this brotherhood took place on his squad. "We weren't worth a flying shit, so I figured a little familiarity would be a good idea," bellowed the saintly GM/Owner/Manager. "Plus, have you ever seen how many Mexicans can fit in a car, I was hoping Yahoo! would let me cram the 3 of them into 2 positions in my lineup." Things may be turning around for the lowly Lord of Nations. Now if only El Chulo had produced a pitcher.