I Need My Fix

As I was listening to my traditional Friday morning pump up song, "Bawitdaba", by Robert "Kid Rock" Ritchie, I realized he was speaking to me. Not just the philosophical me, but the actual me.

....All the crackheads, the critics, the cynics, and all my heroes at the Methodone clinic....

Here I am driving to work for the day, and Kid is calling me a hero, lil' ol me. After spending all of this year from April to October addicted to the crack that is fantasy baseball, I begrudgingly switched to the Methodone that is fantasy football. (For those of you that live your super soft white lives sheltered in Suburbia, USA and don't know what Methodone is, its a drug that is given to people who are addicted to more hard core drugs to help ween them off, although it is also addictive, its a little less destructive). As much as I said I hated fantasy football, and I still swear I do hate it (even though I whomped all y'alls asses and won the whole freakin thing), at least it filled the abyss of darkness that crack fantasy baseball left when it slipped away for the winter.

I went from scoring a fix at Yahoo! Fantasy Sports 15 times a week during baseball season to a measly 3 times a week once I was given Methodone. One little toke Sunday morning, a one-hitter Sunday night, and a quick drag Tuesday morning and the edge was taken off for the whole week (I realize Methodone is not smoked, but I also grew up in Suburbia, USA and don't know much slang for taking pills. Pinching the powder? Tossing tabs? Crushing capsules?)(Sorry for the giant parenthetical phrase)(Now you have to follow your Suburbia math rules and multiply these three phrases)....Now back to the story.

I was off of the hard stuff and knew I hated it's replacement, but there was something I didn't know about the pharmaceutical Meth that was now a part of my life. As much as I longed for the sweet sensation that radiated from the tips of my toes to the ends of my incisors, fantasy football was somewhat occupying my addiction. Now after 4 months on the step down crank, I'm out cold turkey and really finding myself in dark places. Just the other night I woke up in a cold sweat all the while I felt like I was burning up. I needed a score and I needed it quick. I fought my urges for as long as I could, but eventually stumbled my way down to the corner to see if Mr. Yahoo! Fantasy had any goods to peddle. Through hazy eyes I looked down as he opened up the left side of his trench coat to see his stock of merchandise. Out of his toothless grin came his raspy pitch, "I can get you into an already in progress fantasy basketball league for a non-dominant handed HJ". As my brain began to race and process what kind of freak it takes to prefer a non-rhythmic HJ to the silky pleasures of a machine like paced HJ, I suddenly had a moment of clarity and realized I had fallen too deep. Way to deep. I immediately hit the little red circle to close out the page and the cold sweats reemerged.

A couple days have passed and for the moment, I'm clean, for the moment. Don't think for a second I don't often catch my mind wandering and imagining myself dancing through a field of bluebonnets hand in hand with a human sized draft guide. Just the other day, out of nowhere, I started imagining how awesome Howie Kendrick will be this year with the likes of fellow druggie Josh Hamilton in his lineup. Should I take Kendrick in the 5th round, maybe the 4th? Better make it the 2nd just to be safe. No Chris, snap out of it, stay strong. Keep your self clean and clear.

There is no doubt in my mind that when crack is back in season, I will be jumping on it like a starving man on a Christmas ham, but until then, yes Mr. Kid Rock, I will be your Enrique Iglesias.

Trash Can Fire Report- Dodgers Edition

Following the controvertible trade of Tim Lincecum, The Seal Clubbers found themselves with arguably no "superstars". One could argue that Jacoby Ellsbury falls into that category, but with an ADP of 9, I believe he pretty much has to be tabbed as a value pick, at least for one more year. But with the disappointing 2011 season now in the rear-view mirror, The Clubbers have nothing but blue skies in front of them. Being most likely the only team in the league with every pick in the first 4 rounds still available to him after he designates keepers, it is pretty safe to say that the marquee outside the team facilities will have a much different look come 2012. With a recipe of solid late round keepers like the promising young talents of Michael Morse and Ryan Vogelsong, resurgent Ian Kennedy, and most likely the 3rd overall pick in the upcoming draft, it looks like The Clubbers have all the ingredients to bake a pretty damn good cake.
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A boy once put in months worth of time with the prettiest girl in all the land, landed her as a date for the senior prom, made all the right moves and said all the right things throughout the night, and when the moment of truth came and it was go time for the young beau to reap the benefits for all of his trouble, he slides off his dates' dress and then suddenly......Albert Pujols busts in, punches the young beauty in the face and butt rapes our main character. That exact thing happened to the Lord of Nations last year, only replace the first half of that story with winning the regular season and leading the second round of the playoffs until Sunday night when Albert Pujols showed up, punched him in the stomach then butt raped him. Not a whole lot new to look forward to from this squad heading into a new season with its perennial keepers of Kershaw (4th year on squad) and Cabrera (3rd year). Fingers crossed that everyone else falls in line.
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If I had to pick 7 words to describe Sid Bream's career, somewhere after "triumphant soup strainer" and before "70's sexy" would be the word consistent. If ever a team took on the personality of its moniker, it's this one (the use of it's and its may be backwards there, I can never remember, but if it bothers you, I hate you for more reasons than this, so no worries). The Bream Team has turned in top 4 performances since the inception of the league and 2012 shows no signs of differing. With a possible 2 headed monster of any combination of Tulowitzki/Longoria and Prince Fielder, this juggernaut probably all but assumes his squad will be maneuvering this post-season (Either Longo or Tulo have to be franchised or lost). With solid late pick-ups of hot newcomer Brett Lawrie and Eric Hosmer, The Bream Team has more than enough viable options to be the third wheel of Bream's keeper tricycle.
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Faced with a similar situation last year, in a shocker B&L decided to drop clear cut top second-baseman and save his first round draft pick. The plan worked out beautifully as the cream of the shallow crop managed to somehow fall back to B&L and become a huge part of yet another solid year put together by the squad. To say that B&L's manager likes his players young would be an insult to Jerry Sandusky. With his only concrete keeper this offseason being still wet behind the ears Mike Stanton, there are still many possible kids that ended the year on last year's roster to round out this years cabbage patch. With all these options and their late ADP's, look for B&L to be the only possible manager to challenge The Seal Clubbers for most picks through the first 5 rounds.
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Team Twinks & Bears is choosing to go the route of all good biscuits and start from scratch. In an unprecedented move for this league, the squad has decided to keep no one and assemble a completely new team. Be bold my friends.

Trash Can Fire Report- Padres Edition

After a somewhat disappointing season and a constant battle with the injury bug, the Re-Tods find themselves in an optimal spot this offseason heading into the draft. With possible first round keepers and the first choice in the D.O.S.O., it makes sense for the Re-Tods to keep players of later round ADP and simply use the first pick to just snatch up whichever Round 1 keeper he decides to let re-enter the free agent pool with his Round 1 pick.
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Via multiple trades, the Pucketteers put together a squad poised to make a strong playoff push in 2011, but the go-for-broke style trading is now catching up with the "win-now" manager. After assembling a bevy of big names with Round 1 ADP, the Pucketteers left themselves with a depleted stockpile of 2012 draft picks. The lack of a Round 3 pick assures that either Halladay, Pujols, or love interest Ryan Braun must be let go (so long Roy). This makes Justin Upton with an ADP of 4 the most likely candidate to fill keeper slot #3 for the team. Add to this the fact that the Pucketteers also traded away 2012 draft pick #5, and it looks like we have ourselves a beer bitch until Round 6.
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Another year, another Shitface Dickfarts championship. In a bold move leading up to the 2011 draft, Shitface Dickfarts kept 3 pitchers, effectively putting the rest of the league into panic mode on draft day in search of new hurlers. With the low ADP of 6, you can guarantee that 2011 Cy Young winner Justin Verlander will have a "k" next to his name come draft time. Following the mantra of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it", there is a good chance that Felix Hernandez and Jared Weaver are adorned with "k's" as well to round out the klan for the reigning champ.
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Being faced with the second overall pick of the 2011 draft, Pinstripe Pirates was also faced with the age old dilemma of taking the best player available or taking a good player at a position with absolutely no depth. Spoiler Alert: Pinstripe Pirates opted for choice B to take A-Rod and decided to leave Robinson Cano to slide further down in the draft. Does he regret it? I can't say for certain because all therapy files have to remain confidential due to law, but I'd bet my non-dominant thumb that it still keeps him up at night. The effects of this past draft day event may definitely be lingering in the air of the war room for the San Antonio based club. It's almost nightly that I receive updated keeper thoughts from the manager. After Kemp, you can pretty much just throw a dart at last year's roster of the GQ Buccaneers to pin-point who the other two klansmen will be entering 2012.............scary thought, after typing that last sentence, I may have given the exact methodology to be used this year by the shell-schocked veteran.

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After a multi-year hiatus, the club formerly known as the Cowhide Joyride decided to kickoff his second stint with what has evolved into the Backstop Boys Fantasy Baseball League. But in his brief time away from the league, it changed in ways that his brain couldn't even fathom. It reminded me a lot of Brooks from "Shawshank Redemption". Finally he is re-introduced into society armed solely with the memories of a simpler time, a time when he was last involved in this magical world, only to find that now the world "went off and got itself into a damn hurry". No longer were highlighters and gas station receipts suitable to put together a team, it now required research and spreadsheets. After stumbling out of the gates when the season kicked-off, The Grease Missiles were able to put together a slew of high profile pieces down the stretch that will provide very solid building blocks heading into 2012. Now if he shows up this year with a 24-color pack of Crayolas and dry-erase board, look out.

Trash Can Fire Report

I'll try to keep an updated list of the offseason info that is relevant to the upcoming draft. Keep in mind that this information is taken from what league members say or my own speculation, and all parties involved may be full of poop.

Draft Order Selection Order (D.O.S.O.)

1. Re-Tods
2. Cowhide Joyride
3. Seal Clubbers
4. Twinks & Bears
5. Business & Leather
6. Pinstripe Pirates
7. Lord of Nations
8. The Bream Team
9. Pucketteers
10. Shitface Dickfarts


Keepers & Draft Picks Extra/Lost (via Keepers and Trades)

1. Re-Tods- Jose Buatista (4) , Ryan Zimmerman (3), Cain (9) & taking #1 overall
2. Cowhide Joyride- Adrian Gonzalez (2), Cliff Lee (3), Josh Hamilton (2)/Matt Holliday (3)?
3. Seal Clubbers- Jacoby Ellsbury (9), Vogelsong (20)/Kennedy (20)/Castro (15)?
4. Twinks & Bears- Votto (1), Granderson (11), Hamels (7)
5. Business & Leather- Mike Stanton(9), Bumgarner(17), Brandon Beachy (20)
6. Pinstripe Pirates- Kemp(3), McCutcheon(4),Kinsler(3)/Reyes(3)? Traded: Rd 4,6 Gained: Rd 4,6
7. Lord of Nations- Cabrera(1), Kershaw(4), Jennings(20)/CC(5)/CJ Wilson (20)/Kuroda(18) Traded: Rd: 6 Gained: Rd 5
8. The Bream Team- Tulowitzki(1), Fielder(2), Hosmer(20)/Lowrie(20)?
9. Pucketteers- Braun(1), Pujols(1), Justin Upton(4)? Traded: Rd 4,5 Gained:Rd 6,6
10. Shitface Dickfarts- Verlander(6), Weaver(8), Felix(2)?


***I'LL UPDATE THIS ONCE I GET THE ADP or MORE PEOPLE ANNOUNCE CONCRETE KEEPERS****

Trash Can Fire Report

First off, I beg of you guys, I need you to please make comments after this post because I feel like I need this support group to move past the shellacking I watched Alabama put on the 11 parking cones lined up across from them this past Monday. Deer everywhere are now referring to their fallen brethren's lack of evasive maneuvers as Jefferson in linebacker eyesights. I've decided to move on to my next relationship, but I can't do it without your help. Like a weeping 34 year old lady that just got dumped and is now sitting in her flannel fat pants and calling over her other pathetic friends to watch a Lifetime movie and eat Bluebell ice cream straight from the tub, I need your help. Grab a spoon.
After seeing a bunch of your ugly mugs (and pictures of some of your shirtless mugs on party buses) this weekend, I've decided to throw out my own little Backstop Boys League version of the uber-informative Hot Stove report on espn.com that gives us such gems as, "AL East GM claims many teams still interested in Fielder?". I love a good question-statement, so I present to you "The Trash Can Fire Report". I hope to throw a bunch of shit that may or may not be construed as knowledge into these reports, light it all on fire, and hopefully a bunch of bums, and god willing, hobos, flock to it. Ultimately, I hope this will be the first of many installments of the TCFR, but thats also what Benny wanted when somehow he was introduced to the greatest collection of fantasy baseball minds in 2009, but after only 2 years, he is nothing more than a slogan.



* Kendrick a Keeper? After rumors floating around that LoN may keep Kendrick to add to his Kershaw Kabrera 2-headed monster, mainly for the alliteration that will ensue, the young second baseman now floats everywhere. "The fact that I've gone from 4-time fantasy kryptonite for Mr. LoN to now being a possible completely over valued keeper is superdy duper!", quipped the levitating Angel



*BamBam Thank You Ma'am? Ryan Braun, seen here with his trainer, (Sorry sir, costumes do not work, Brian McNamee was found even though he refuses to get out of that giant douche costume) may be done filling the cum dumpster he calls the Pucketeer's. After getting busted using PEDs, most probably administered by the villainous lobsterdog, Braun may be faced with a 50-game suspension. After failing to even come up with a crazy excuse like getting his steroids mixed-up with french vanilla coffee creamer or something real feminine like that, one can only assume he's as guilty as getting caught hiding in the bed of a pick-up truck after a smoke bomb mysteriously went off on someone's screen window. When the question came up of whether Braun will become a free agent and could possibly wind up with a new home in 2012, the superstar quickly said "Please God"




*New Home for Aramis = New Home for Aramis? Hopefully




*Holliday Over For Joyride? After vowing "I will never be a fantasy free agent again!" (and apparently having it tattooed on his arm) when the Re-Tods made him the 2nd overall pick back in 2010, it appears that Matt Holliday may again be found at singles mixers this offseason. With offensive juggernaut and completely legal alien Adrien Gonzalez and fankiller Josh Hamilton already on the Cowhide Joyride, it appears that the man with the coolest haircut in the league not named Cody Ross may be in search of a new home assuming his current owner looks to start the season +1 in the SP position and holding onto mid-season acquisition Cliff Lee.





*Possible Trade for Crawford? Hopefully Crawford does take up a trade, possibly major league hitting. Drum, drum, cymbal. Pinstripe Pirates has about as good a chance of unloading this guy as a lactose intolerant fiber deprived octogenarian unloading a bowl of ice cream cereal.







*Possible Keeper for Business & Leather? B&L manager doesn't get all the "You like em young" comments. Really? Maybe Mike Stanton (22), Michael Pineda (22), Mike Minor (24), or Mike Trout (20) can explain it to you during one of their diaper changes. P.S. Please change your name to the Young Mikes.