Trash Can Fire Report

First off, I beg of you guys, I need you to please make comments after this post because I feel like I need this support group to move past the shellacking I watched Alabama put on the 11 parking cones lined up across from them this past Monday. Deer everywhere are now referring to their fallen brethren's lack of evasive maneuvers as Jefferson in linebacker eyesights. I've decided to move on to my next relationship, but I can't do it without your help. Like a weeping 34 year old lady that just got dumped and is now sitting in her flannel fat pants and calling over her other pathetic friends to watch a Lifetime movie and eat Bluebell ice cream straight from the tub, I need your help. Grab a spoon.
After seeing a bunch of your ugly mugs (and pictures of some of your shirtless mugs on party buses) this weekend, I've decided to throw out my own little Backstop Boys League version of the uber-informative Hot Stove report on espn.com that gives us such gems as, "AL East GM claims many teams still interested in Fielder?". I love a good question-statement, so I present to you "The Trash Can Fire Report". I hope to throw a bunch of shit that may or may not be construed as knowledge into these reports, light it all on fire, and hopefully a bunch of bums, and god willing, hobos, flock to it. Ultimately, I hope this will be the first of many installments of the TCFR, but thats also what Benny wanted when somehow he was introduced to the greatest collection of fantasy baseball minds in 2009, but after only 2 years, he is nothing more than a slogan.



* Kendrick a Keeper? After rumors floating around that LoN may keep Kendrick to add to his Kershaw Kabrera 2-headed monster, mainly for the alliteration that will ensue, the young second baseman now floats everywhere. "The fact that I've gone from 4-time fantasy kryptonite for Mr. LoN to now being a possible completely over valued keeper is superdy duper!", quipped the levitating Angel



*BamBam Thank You Ma'am? Ryan Braun, seen here with his trainer, (Sorry sir, costumes do not work, Brian McNamee was found even though he refuses to get out of that giant douche costume) may be done filling the cum dumpster he calls the Pucketeer's. After getting busted using PEDs, most probably administered by the villainous lobsterdog, Braun may be faced with a 50-game suspension. After failing to even come up with a crazy excuse like getting his steroids mixed-up with french vanilla coffee creamer or something real feminine like that, one can only assume he's as guilty as getting caught hiding in the bed of a pick-up truck after a smoke bomb mysteriously went off on someone's screen window. When the question came up of whether Braun will become a free agent and could possibly wind up with a new home in 2012, the superstar quickly said "Please God"




*New Home for Aramis = New Home for Aramis? Hopefully




*Holliday Over For Joyride? After vowing "I will never be a fantasy free agent again!" (and apparently having it tattooed on his arm) when the Re-Tods made him the 2nd overall pick back in 2010, it appears that Matt Holliday may again be found at singles mixers this offseason. With offensive juggernaut and completely legal alien Adrien Gonzalez and fankiller Josh Hamilton already on the Cowhide Joyride, it appears that the man with the coolest haircut in the league not named Cody Ross may be in search of a new home assuming his current owner looks to start the season +1 in the SP position and holding onto mid-season acquisition Cliff Lee.





*Possible Trade for Crawford? Hopefully Crawford does take up a trade, possibly major league hitting. Drum, drum, cymbal. Pinstripe Pirates has about as good a chance of unloading this guy as a lactose intolerant fiber deprived octogenarian unloading a bowl of ice cream cereal.







*Possible Keeper for Business & Leather? B&L manager doesn't get all the "You like em young" comments. Really? Maybe Mike Stanton (22), Michael Pineda (22), Mike Minor (24), or Mike Trout (20) can explain it to you during one of their diaper changes. P.S. Please change your name to the Young Mikes.