Trash Can Fire Report 2013 - Part 1

Shitface Dickfarts: 2012 held a magical regular season in store for the foul mouthed moniker, but based on the past postseason hardware earned by the SFDF's, no bucket equals no happiness. Sadly, like a money shot onto Jimminy Glick, SFDF's title defense came up Short. The big question heading into 2013's return to the top campaign is who will have the highly coveted "K" next to their name come draft day? After a 2011 year in which the manager held onto 3 top tier starting pitchers and saw it pay high dividends throughout the entire season, the SFDF general decided to stray away from that winning recipe in 2012 and slap a "K" in front of everyone's favorite Italian, Mike Napoli. Even with an extremely low ADP heading into 2012 for the catcher slugger, I think it's safe to say that the manager would call that decision short bus worthy at best. With a 2012 midseason acquisition of Matthew Stafford's high school team mate, look for SFDF to return to his old tricks and add Clayton Kershaw to pair up nicely with perennial SFDF Justin Verlander. The 3rd slot however is anyone's guess. With the likes of fan killer Josh Hamilton and Evan Longoria as options, the opportunity to lock up 3 superstars pre-draft is definitely there, but the owner has a history of keeping his early rounds as flexible and opting to keep a late round value keeper. If this happens, look for white boy round runner-up Adam Dunn to fill the void. ________________________________________________________

Handyman Slykes: After a year full of what many viewed as dummy trades, the Handyman Slyke manager proved all of the nay sayers wrong when it appeared all of his newly acquired players first passed through the hands of King Midas before making their stop in San Antonio, Kentucky, Tennessee, wherever the hell he calls home. The go for broke mentality got the Handymen into the playoffs as a #5 seed, but he was ousted in the second round. The win now (then) strategy took its toll on his 2013 draft stock, but it wasn't without some reward. The High Handyman did manage to broker a deal that would ensure we will all get the privilege of seeing the Pucketteer manager in a New York Yankees uniform complete with boudin-skin-tight pants. Now if the Handymen are looking to the 2012 roster for a another glorious image heading into the draft, he is likely to see something resembling a Georges Seurat painting. For those of you that view me as a simple guy that merely enjoys the simpler things in life like getting hammered and keeping my lower half well moisturized, you may want to get some 409 and a sponge out. Someone will have some brain to clean off of your nearest wall......Ahem..... Georges Seurat was a French painter famous for his painting method known as pointillism. Pointillism is a painting technique that is exactly as it sounds. Using pointillism, an artist arranges numerous dots to form a larger picture to an observer when viewing the painting from a distance. Now if your skull is still intact and your mind has not been completely blown, allow me to retort. Looking at the HMS 2012 roster you'll see the likes of Felix Hernandez, Gio Gonzalez, Derek Jeter, and CC Sabathia among others. A rather pretty picture. But look a little closer, no closer, closer still, there it is! Just a bunch of dots and smudges. Felix has a high ADP and his will to continue competing on such a crappy team has to be questioned. Gio is in the midst of a PED scandal and who knows how that will end. Jeter is old and coming off of ankle surgery (and gay). CC is a total workhouse that has logged a ton of innings over the last few years and pairing that with a somewhat high ADP has to be worrisome. Looking at things this closely only shows how unclear the Handymen masterpiece is as Draft Day looms on the horizon. __________________________________________________________


The Re-Tods: 10, 7, 9. For those of you that recognized those numbers as the police code for "notify a coroner", then fyi, I'm a little scared of you. If those are your team finishes dating back to 2010, then fyi, I'm not scared of you and maybe you should change something. That something could be Jose Bautista. 3 years in a row on the Re-Tods means Joey Bats has been spending more time in the cellar than a well aged port. Boom, first a French art history lesson now a wine simile. This joint is getting classy. Shit, anyway, where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, Bautista. If kept, Bautista will now reach franchise status. This would mean the ultimate Re-Tod will find himself with a host of options to help round out the Re-Tod keeper triangle. And we all know he'll need plenty of help rounding out that triangle since true Re-Tods should only play with round triangles for safety sake. Matt Cain is another likely vertex on that triangle and could provide a solid known at the Starting Pitcher position heading into the new season. After that, Adam LaRoche could be the third vertex considering his low risk round 20 ADP, although if you count his caterpillar eyebrows as keepers that would put the Re-Tods over the keeper limit. Another likely option fitting the low risk category could be either Aaron Hill and his talents at a shallow position or hot newcomer Chris Sale, who, if paired with Cain gives the Re-Tods no worries about drafting pitching until about the time The Bream Team has tried drafting his 7th player already picked. ______________________________________________


The Pucketteers: The reigning Ultimate Mover from the 2011 season certainly lived up to his reputation in 2012. I think it would be safe to say that the Pucketteers' season had more moves than Michael J. Fox after a Red Bull binge. Some moves good, some moves bad, no, not MJF, all of his moves are extraordinary, I'm referring to the Z-town letdown. One second the Pucketteer's manager is dropping NL Cy Young Winner Robert Allen Dickey, then the next he's acquiring Michael Nelson Trout. Yes, his actual middle name is Nelson. Thus, making him the world's first successful Nelson, and yes I'm totally discounting Nelson Mandela. I'm pretty sure South Africa basically runs itself. Anyway, back to the goods. After a measly 80 moves the Pucketteers found a 6 next to their name and squeeked their way into the postseason, but like a person with an incurable case of the midget, they eventually ended up falling short. Even though the season was a little disappointing, the 2012 trades will really allow the club to reap their rewards heading into keeper declaration day as the manager will be able to claim what may be the biggest no brainer keeper decision of all time by keeping Mike Trout with a round 20 ADP. With that decision leaving available rounds to sacrifice at the front end of the draft, look for the dead-blind-diabetic-ateers to keep Matt Kemp to provide yet another 5 tool threat. But just when I thought I had finally come across a team who's 3 keepers were pretty much a given, Pucketteer love interest Ryan Braun once again decided to spend the offseason cheating and allowed himself to be linked to PEDs. Now, if Bud Selig can pull a Gooddell and ruin a player's season based solely on weak allegations and minimal evidence, we might get the league's first ever keeper declaration through tears of sadness as Braun finds himself swimming in the draft pool come March 9th..............And just in case any of you feel as if my jab at Michael J. Fox was a bit out of touch, don't fret. Thanks to Larry David I now feel like The Fox is fair game. _______________________________________________________


The Grease Missiles: In true ballistic fashion, the Missiles shot of to a red hot start at the onset of the 2012 season only to come crashing back to Earth. The progression from 2011 to 2012 saw the Greasiest Missile advance from gas station receipts and highlighters to a full blown electrical device with keys and everything. He may not be attending the draft in person this year and he claims it has something to do with having a newborn at home, but rumor has it he's built a command center somewhere with a mainframe called the Kurkjian 4000 that isn't exactly portable. Last year, leaving the friendly confines of Big Lake, LA, way back in that alcohol/crawfish induced haze we refer to as "The Happening 2012", The Grease Missiles found themselves looking at a pretty damn good roster and added to it a few great pick-ups along the way (including the aforementioned Robert Allen). In my expert opinion the wheels started to fall off when the manager proved to be a little too loyal by holding onto certain players that had a few hot weeks then turned sub-arctic cold. See Dexter Fowler, Cody Ross. I propose a name change to the Grease Satellites or the Whiskey Dicks. Really anything else that provides his players with a little more sense of prolonged performance. Well, the more I think about it, the Whiskey Dicks may provide a sense of prolonged desire, but lack of performance. I think the solution here is to borrow a page from that genius kid from the AT&T commercial that suggests taping a rocket to his grandmother's back (someone with cable please explain this to the Re-Tods) and changing the team name to the Rocket Whiskey Dicks. With that you have it all. The most likely future Rocket Whiskey Dick is R.A. Dickey, the similarities there are just too much to ignore. Even with the daunting task of facing the American League East this year, Dickey brings the perfect combo of low risk/high reward with his max/min ADP of 20 to the table. From there, the Rocket Whiskey Dicks , Grease Missiles, Greasey Whiskey Rocket Dicks could go any number of different directions. He has a solid SP with a decent ADP in CJ Wilson. He has two proven vets in Matt Holliday and Adrian Gonzalez who always seem to put up solid numbers but really lack the "sexy" keeper factor and come with the baggage of a relatively early ADP. Honestly, I like the idea of keeping Robinson Cano, a premier player at a talent scarce position, now that is one sexy beast. _________________________________________________________ Click Here For Part 2