Texas Dealership has Odd Injuries

-Special to the AP from Paul Macintosh of San Antonio, TX- In what has to be one of the oddest epidemics to ever sweep through any office place, Colton Lane Ford dealership of San Antonio is minus upwards of 7 employees due to a condition known as Erupted Reticulum of Intestinal Cutaneous, or more commonly known as "ERIC". Persons affected by this extremely painful condition suffer a rupture of the side wall in there intestines due to any number of activities, but in this particular case, laughter. Apparently, on March 3rd, a middle-aged Army nurse who would not release his name for this story walked into Colton Lane Ford with the thoughts of making a deal for a new vehicle. The confident nurse strolls into the dealership and immediately asks if the dealership accepts trades for new vehicles. Upon finding out that the dealership did in fact accept trades, the annonymous nurse pulls up a chair and boldly proposed an offer to Ryan Tugwell, the unfortunate salesman that was stuck working with the hopeful wheeler dealer. For a 2009 Ford Escape, the nurse offered his banged up '96 civic he referred to as "Cindy", a ball of twine he has collected since he was 19, and then had the gile to ask the salesman if he could also get first right of refusal for the 3rd car received in the dealership's next shipment. While trying to remain professional, young Mr. Tugwell asked to be excused from the make-shift negotiation and walked back to the employee breakroom where he repeated the nurse's offer to his fellow employees. It was at this point that the breakroom exploded into laughter causing 7 employees to come down with the aforementioned "ERIC". "I am just a young man trying to work my way through college and then this happens," said a wincing Tugwell through the beeps and drips of the hopital apparatuses that coursed through his veins. It is unknown at this time if the nurse is being investigated for 2nd degree assault, but one can only assume some recourse will be pursued being that his offer was so ludicrous. As I sat in his hospital room for this story, Mr. Tugwell managed to crack a meager smile and say, "I guess the only positive here is that last week I signed up for the Army Reserves and now all of my medical expenses are covered under their care." Just then a cotton-topped nurse pokes his head in the door to deliver the agonizing patient his lunch. "I'll offer you a gum wrapper and a crouton for this meatloaf and mashed potato platter," said the orderly. Young Tugwell shrieked and then this reporter had to make a break for the door clutching his gut, praying that he is able to avoid the dredded pain that Tugwell and his co-workers are currently experiencing, "ERIC".